The Adventures of the drunken shopkeeper and the naked cat!
by WeWeren'tStoned
Summary: The untold adventure of Urahara and Yoruichi. A series of oneshots. We weren't stoned, we swear. Rater M for WHAAAAAAAAAAAT? We do not own bleach! Blolololololo!
1. The nipple is gone?

It was late at night when I was woken by a screeching Yoruichi. I ran from my room in my sleepy wear and found her distraught in front of the shop. I ran to her and took her in my arms, asking her what the matter was. Between the sobs and squeaks, I could make out something along the lines of "Soi Fon had been murdered."  
She clung to my chest like it was a life preserver in a stormy sea. I held her tightly in my arms, stroking her furry black head, murmuring words of solace. At that moment I heard a funny noise coming from her. It sounded like... like a purr!But before I could put more thought into the strange noise, I felt a stabbing pain in my left nipple. What on earth..? I look down at the kitten in my arms. Her claws were buried in my chest. "Uhh Yoruichi-san?" I began to say, but I was cut off by a loud "purr purr purr."  
Baffled, I tried again. "Yoruichi-san, please stop clawing at me. I need that," I said, but the only answer I received was the "purr purr purr" I'd heard before and a glare.  
Terrified by the malice in her golden feline eyes, I fell silent and went back to stroking her fur. "There there," I mumbled nervously, unsure of how to react to my Yoruichi's strange behaviour. Rather unfortunately, my comfort only caused her to bury her claws deeper into my poor nipple and emit a animalistic yowl.  
Her cries of anguish were instantly joined by my own as blood began to seep through my clothing. Instinctively, I took hold of the cat, prepared to fling her off me.  
"No! I must endure! Yoruichi-san is in pain! I must be there for her!" I thought, and suppressed the urge. "Purr purr purr," Yoruichi said sadly.

At last it became utterly unbearable. By now my chest was shredded and my left nipple was practically non-existant. "Yoruichi-san!" I screamed. "Stop! I cannot endure this any longer!"  
"Cannot endure what?" she asked, suddenly transformed into a beautiful naked woman. I might've lost my coherence right there and then, but the searing pain in my chest kept me thinking straight. "Yoruichi-san," I gasped. "My nip-" I closed my mouth when I saw the murderous expression on her face, daring me to complain while my gorgeous Yoruichi was suffering. "Ah I cannot bear to see your tears anymore!" I said, my voice suddenly an octave higher.  
Unconvinced, she prepared to blow my face off with a Flash Cry. Fearing for my life, my brain spiralled out of control. I found myself unable to keep my eyes off her voluptuous chest area anymore. "Kisuke!" a voice in the back of my head cautioned. "Now is not the time! You need to focus! How are you going to save yourself a beating from the goddess of the flash?"  
Beating? Yes! Yoruichi-san was about to murder me! Now I remember! But it was just sooooo hard to keep from staring... So I did the only thing I could think of. I threw back my head and yelled "NAKEDNESS!" at the top of my lungs.  
Thankfully, it worked. Yoruichi was pacified for the moment, laughing her head off as she recalled the old drinking game we used to  
One by one the others filtered into the room with cries of "Nakedness! Hazza!" Tessai-san, Ururu, Jinta, even the freeloader, all bearing large quantities of sake.  
What else was there to do but join in the drinking?

And so we drank and drank and drank, the unfortunate death of Captain Soi Fon totally forgotten.

The next morning I woke with a still-naked Yoruichi draped over my chest, which was, surprisingly (seeing as it still hurt like a bitch), free of blood. "Y-Yoruichi-san?" I asked groggily.  
She groaned. "Ugh Kisuke..." That was all the confirmation I needed for me to continue on to ask the question that was burning inside me. "Yoruichi-san, why did you harvest my nipple?" I demanded to know (not too forcefully, since we were both VERY hungover).  
Yoruichi slowly got up. "To feed my young. I am a cat, I cannot make do with only two nipples," she told me, and showed me that, indeed! she now had a third nipple sprouting from her chest.  
It sounded reasonable, but there was one problem. "But if you are a cat, you need six. You are short three," I said mournfully, saddened that  
she was unable to accomplish her six-nipple-goal, despite my sacrifice. But so strong was she, she merely shrugged off her failure and said "That is fine. I have a drawer full of nipples!"  
"What?!" I exclaimed. "Why do you have a drawer full of nipples?! Where did you get them!?" I said, getting to my feet as well.  
"I harvested one from each of my lovers," she said calmly. "In case I one day became ready to procreate."  
"And how many lovers have you had?" I slurred, outraged that I had become just one of the many. Was the Soi Fon's death even real? Or had it all been a ruse so her beloved Yoruichi-sama could harvest his nipples without raising suspicion? No! I must believe in her! She wouldn't tell me this if it was all a ruse, would she? Of course not! Focus Kisuke!  
"A few," she said quietly, bringing me back to reality. "But I only long for you, my Kisuke!" Suddenly she dropped to one knee. "Urahara Kisuke, would you do me the honor of being the sire of my kittens?"  
I gasped. She only longed.. for me? "Of course I will!" I squealed, delighted. "And you may have my other nipple as well, my dear!"

At that moment I was distracted by a loud scream from Ururu, followed by a horrified "Shopkeeper, what are you doing?" in Tessai's deep baritone.  
What was I doing? Could they not see my love and I were having a moment?

But we weren't. It was Ichigo in my arms, and the searing pain in my chest was Zangestsu. He had, apparently, had enough of my nonsense. "Get off!" he yelled for the thousandth time..  
"Kisuke, you drink waaaaaay too much sake," said a black cat next to me as I let go of poor Ichigo and dropped to my knees.  
I see... It was all a drunken illusion... But that didn't explain... "Where are my nipples!?" I screeched with a final breath before I lost consciousness.


	2. Quest for the missing nipple!

It was horrible. To be nippleless. Urahara did not know how he would go through life as he knew it without his nipples. Thankfully, he had the full (albeit forced) support of the Substitute Soul Reaper and his dutiful team. They had all (unwillingly) sworn to help him retrieve his nipples.

It had begun that fateful day when he had woken up from a drunken haze to find himself manhandling Kurosaki Ichigo, who had, in return, stabbed him with his gargantuan zanpakutou, only to find that he was missing his nipples! Oh the horror he had experienced! So distraught by this shocking new development was he, that he had immediately passed out. Yes, contrary to popular belief, it had not been due to his enormous hangover or the wound Ichigo had inflicted upon him, but the shock of finding himself suddenly nippleless.

It had only been several days later, after Inoue Orihime had been brought in to heal him and Tessai-san was 100% convinced of his sobriety, that they started to listen to his pleas and saw for themselves that his niples were, indeed, missing.

And so Urahara formed a team (making use of several colourful threats) consisting of Ururu, Jinta, Tessai, Sado (as favour to Urahara for training him), Ishida (who practically had to be drugged, hog-tied and dragged along) and Ichigo. It had been hard to convince him, what with his rock-solid defense against 'you stabbed me so you owe me one,' which was that the shopkeeper had practically molested him, but somehow Urahara had managed to guilt him into it. Only Inoue was spared. The official reason was that, seeing as she had healed him, she did not owe him any favours, but in truth it was out of fear that she might cook for them if she went along. Rukia and her freeloading friend had conveniently disappeared off to Soul Society on urgent business with Captain Kuchiki only days before the Nipple Task Force was set to depart. However, the joke was on them, for the few and sometimes imaginary clues they found on their investigation had almost immediately led them to Soul Society, where Urahara's life had begun.

Ah yes, the places their quest had led them... Fortune tellers (human and otherwise), caves, dodgy bars, beautiful castles, spooky forests, peaceful meadows, ponds, rivers, up and down shorelines, you name it, their quest took them there. But alas, no real answers were to be found. Until the day Yoruichi decided to join them.

It was smoldering hot in the desert the company found themselves yet again nippleless in. So discouraged were they by now, evn Urahara himself was contemplating simply giving up an living a listless, meaningless, nippleless life.  
And then _she_ showed up.  
"Kisuke! What madness is this? What do you think you are doing?" she scolded.  
"Yoruichi-san! Woe is me, for I am nippleless!" he lamented to the black cat.  
She frowned (or at least, Urahara thought she did. He had become quite skilled at discerning her kitty-emotions, but she was still a cat, and it was still hard.)  
"Hmmmmmm..." She appeared to be deep in thought. "Kisuke," she said slowly, tentatively. "I don't recall you _ever_ having nipples."

"Indeed, Urahara Kisuke," a high-pitched voice resonated from the almost-palpable heat surrounding them. "Listen to the feline." The haze took on colour and shape to reveal a plump orange man floating cross-legged just above Ichigo's head.  
"Wh- who are you?!" stuttered the stunned teen.  
"Behold! I am the Great Belingol!" said the giant floating Oompa-loompa. "Fear me!"  
Ichigo blinked at it. "Uhhh," he declared bravely and put on his best rub-my-belly expression yet.  
Belingol scowled and turned his attention to the rest of the company. "I am Belingol! The first to practice Belingolism!"  
"STOP!" commanded Ishida, speaking for the first time. "Are you some kind of lunatic!? What the hell is Belingolism?! You're just making stuff up now, aren't you?"  
Belingol glared at the angry little Quincy and trilled on. "I am so glad you asked! Belingolism has a long, proud history, which I would love to tell you, but alas! time is of the essence now. Do not fret! I shall tell you all about it some day, young ones. But for now, all you need to kn ow that it is practiced by those who rebel against the unfairness of Nipplelessnes, of whom I was the first!"  
"I realise I am probably going to regret this," muttered Ishida. "But what does Belingolism entail?"  
"Bellydancing! Without nipples!"  
"Wait a minute!" Urahara exclaimed. "You mean there are others like me?!"  
Belingol stared at Urahara like he was an idiot. "You do not remember?" he asked incredulously. "Urahara Kisuke, you drink waaaaaaaay too much sake." And with that he was gone.

The company (read: Urahara) was overjoyed. A new clue! Their quest would continue!  
And so they were led to numerous brothels (guided by the occasional appearance of Belingol) where finally their (read: Urahara's) burning question could be answered.

"It was horrible," the man rasped. "The disease that overcame us. One by one my colleagues fell ill, and one by one their once-proud nipples rotted away to nothingness."  
A loud gasp from Urahara ensued. "How horrible!" exclaimed the shopkeeper.  
"Yes, that it was. But the worst was yet to come. Soon, babes were being born without nipples. They had contracted the dreaded disease known as Nipplelessness from their fathers."  
Urahara had a strange expression on his face. "Ohhhhhh... Nipplelessness... Of course. Now I remember. It's a rare STD that thrives in the man-whores of the Rukon Districts. Yes, it had been passed down to me through my father. I remember now. I've never had nipples. Thank you, kind he-ho, we'll be returning home now," he said casually, moving to leave the dodgy man-brothel, his company utterly speechless.  
"WAIT A MOMENT!" exploded Ichigo. "You mean to tell me you dragged us around looking for an answer _you already had?!_"

"Of course, my boy!" said Belingol, appearing once more above Ichigo's head. "This was all my handiwirk. I set Urahara off on a quest to discover his true identity! Son, do you know now?"  
"Father!" Urahara yelled gleefully. "I am so glad I've found you!"

Their heartfelt moment was interrupted by the sound of multiple heads hitting a wall all at once.  
"Facewall: when you palm just isn't enough," Yoruichi explained.


End file.
